Not until I say so.

It is not over until I say so.

I shall not give up until I am not ready to do so.

I shall not regret not giving up.

I shall do whatever it takes.

I shall forgive myself.

I shall sleep peacefully knowing I did my best.

Until then, I shall be hopeful.

Update: I kept saying to myself that I wouldn't/shouldn't do something all day long. And that it would ruin it all. I tried and tried harder. Spoke to friends, spoke a little more. Then, I said, screw it and sent out a mail I was meaning to. I deleted it. With crazy emotions out of the way, I wrote the email, again, now, calmly. I haven't got a reply yet, but I feel better.

Does she have a story?

Does she have a story to tell? Did she have dreams to share? Did she have a life full of adventures and trials? Does she believe in God?

Did she love a man and have a family? Did she have her heart broken only to find herself stronger? Did she cry on the day she got married? Did she get the wedding she always dreamt of? Did she get married at all?

Did she want to have a career? Was she a stay at home mom? Was she a strict mom? Did she have a happy childhood?

A million and one thoughts ran through my mind as I saw an old lady begging at the signal. I wonder what a life she might have had. I think and realise maybe her life started and might just end at the signal. Nothing more to it. No dreams, no thoughts except where the next meal will come from. The next instant, I see a small child at the signal. Will the child have the same life? A life that begins and ends at the same place. No dreams, no thoughts.

Friendships!

I read this on a friend's blog and as usual, a discussion ensued. Friendship is a complicated relationship, isn't it? Each person's take on it is different and more importantly, your friendship differs depending on who it is with.

There are friends, acquaintances and bleh bleh categories but within friends, there are categories too right?

What the hell am I rambling about? Well, basically, we were never taught to define friendship in school, were we? (Thank God for that) and we are to find our own way around this complex relationship. We all make rules and break them. Some people seem to have no boundaries between friends.

I think it is like dropping someone in the deep blue ocean and asking them to swim. We all learn. We just learn. That is what makes each friendship special, ain't it?

I miss home

Do you know the sounds that make your house? If I close my eyes and imagine that I am home, I can hear the pressure cooker whistle, my grandmother humming, the door bell ringing, my servants chattering away in marathi, the phone ringing, random marathi songs blaring on the radio, the clunk and cluttering of pots and pans. All this makes my home, a happy home.

What do I hear now? Eeerie crazy silence.

When I would wake up at home, I would wake up to the aroma of breakfast. Here, I wake up to a growling stomach and the need to make some food and no1 to make it for me.

I am lost. I miss home. Does it get easier? I really wish it could.

Now Playing : Home - Buble (must stop)

Homesickness and me

Homesickness. I am homesick and maybe depressed. Ok I am a psychology student and saying the D word loosely is blasphemy. Ok. Ok Back to the topic. I miss home. A lot. I miss the craziness. My house back home is small(er) than the one I live/share here and there is Amma (Nani), Ajja (Nana), Akash (my brother) and someone or the other. There is always something happening. Phone ringing off the hook. Neighbours coming in to borrow stuff, randomly just to chat up or ask for their key because they have been locked up.

Here, most of the time, I am all alone and I miss the chaos. I miss fighting with my brother. I just miss having people around. I miss the familiarity.

But this post isn't about it. While I was there, I cribbed about having nothing to do. About things at home. About a lot of things. Now, I am at tabula rasa. Which means I can do whatever I want. I can build my life here from scratch. I can do things I always wanted. Yes, I will miss having people waiting for me back home but there will be always be there.

I am going to deal with this homesickness. I am going look at the positive side of things. I am going to print loads of pictures of my friends and family and put them up in my room. I am going to look at them and say, hey there are a lot of people who love me. I have loads of people in my life who actually miss me. That is the amount of love in my life.

To all old friends and new. To all the lovely places yet to be discovered in this wonderfully hot city called Chennai. To all the lonely nights with hot chocolate. To all the experiences that shall shape me.

The real you

Everything and everyone has a break point. The point beyond which you just can't take it anymore. There comes a point where the negativity and craziness just HAS to end. Once you reach that point, only then does the real and strong you surface!

3ww : Break, negative, surface